I could kick Asparagus' ass

If vegetables had a fight who would win? Do you think the density of the carrot would take town the flexibility of the lettuce?

Do you think brocolli would be a good dancer, given the fact that it has an afro? What if we put a face to all things that breathe, and gave them characteristics. I guess I shouldnt talk in "what ifs" I mean these questions are what Pixar has built their entire fortune on.

First a toy finds his home, then a fish rescues his son, coming to theaters in May 2007, the sensitive and controversial tale of a raddish living in a green world. Thats a good way to teach kids to accept everything dont you think? You know what I hate, blue people, I cant stand them, if theres one biggotted thing Im allowed its to hate blue people. Fukin blue people.

I think brocolli would be a good dancer, and if I were a sexy pear, Id be all over that bad ass brocolli.

I am clearly killing time.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Monday, April 24, 2006 |

Viva La Futebol

I think I have a major man crush on Ronaldinho.

Define: Man Crush

A heterosexual appreciation of another man's talents which frequent the past memories of the affectionate's historical endeavours.

I love futebol, absolutely adore it, and since we are in the midst of the UEFA Champions League semi finals I think all who read this blurb should realize the unbelievable skills that the above Brazilian name represents with respect to the game.

In the first leg of today's semi final, from a flat footed stance, the ugliest man in professional sport (well next to Mike Ricci) flicked a beautiful chip twenty yards over and behind three defenders and with a one bounce pounce by Frenchman Giuly Barcelona gave itself a 0-1 lead in the biggest showcase of club soccer on the planet.


If the lay person with regards to soccer know not who Ronaldinho is, you may have seen him on the most recent Nike advert, which showcases the young Brazilian showcasing his early skills on an indoor pitch some so many years ago.

www.nikesoccer.com

And now to play the ultimate personal segway.

The lesser known, but equally competitive XTSC (Xtreme Toronto Soccer Club) has its divisional playoffs next wednesday night and yes, yours truly, playing a influential centre mid position with Its Not Oatmeal is leading a playoff charge of our own.

I get so jacked for soccer its crazy, and next wednesday were gonna stick it to a lot of Milan lovin gino's and Celtic lovin' weirdos with our Lyon Bleu wearing asses.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Tuesday, April 18, 2006 |

do we have to wait for the priest to walk all the way down the aisle; or can we just go before the community announcements to beat traffic?

I love the looks I get when people ask me if I went to church today, and I reply with no I took a walk instead. I love the necessary loops that christians jump through to get their religious fix on the big three holidays of the year; Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

Yes, I took a wee walk today, down to the park around the corner from my parents house. During this time, I reflected, thought about the ones I love, the things I love, my hopes, my dreams, my well wishes, and my fears.

As much as a cynical sermon from a catholic priest would have enlightened my easter experience, I find these alone times to be far more enlightening. The outdoors, the sun, the breeze, the sounds of nature are far more of a experience of higher power than any stained glass and parade of robes.

I do not like organized religion, I have said this before on this blog. I do not like what it does to the mentality of hope, the concept of self versus other, and the general politics that seem to keep shaping the true meaning of being faithful.

Go outside today, preferably after your giant piece of ham so that you can walk it off. Close your eyes and take a swing in a park. Think about all the things you should be thinking about and I guarantee you will take far more out of the experience than the sounds of five hundred people anticipating a piece of bread so that they can go home.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Sunday, April 16, 2006 |

FLARES IN THE FACE PEOPLE

I love the lame ignorance of Toronto Leafs hockey fans. I am by no means a hockey fan, I never played growing up and my interest in the sport lies solely in the incredible social pressure to be a Leafs fan living in and around Toronto.

You gotta love the gusto of a Leafs fan right now. Granted the team is playing well, in fact I even found tonights game (currently in the 2nd intermission) to be really interesting. So interesting to the extent that I have kept the game on mute in the background of the 9 other things I am entertaining myself with on my computer. I mean a top ten pass time is worth something I guess.

But seriously Leafs fans, the team has been in no contension all year, and it is you the fans who have not let me forget just how lousy and uninteresting they are. But two weeks til the playoffs, and the slim glimmer of possibility that the team my make the playoffs and WHAMMO, THE CUP IS OURS. I cant believe the bandwagon, flip flopped opinions that generate around hockey, and the incredible passion that two direct opposite trains of thought can stem out of one person over the course of a single winter.

But whatever, its hockey, so we have to love it right. Blagghhh, is anyone aware that the UEFA semi finals start in the next two weeks. You want to see devoted passion, watch european soccer clubs face off for club dominance on a european (world class) scale.

Last year AC Milan got pelted with flares in the wake of potentially losing out on the next stage of elimination play. FLARES IN THE FACE people, now that trumps any hockey fandamonium.

werd.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Saturday, April 15, 2006 |

Its always more fun to play games in the shallow end than to tread water.

In the midst of a fantastic dinner party on saturday, the collective began a discussion of boys, and girls, attractions and distractions that cause for infactuation. The conversation generated types of the opposite sex that would best fit each member at the table, haters on past loves, keen interest on current crushes and relationships, and a general flirtatious cloud that floated over the table with a lovely aroma; but that could of been the salmon.

By the end of the conversation, lists had been generated for both men and women and what in the opposite sex each finds irrisistable and thus necessary in finding someone to love up on.

What does it take for a girl to like a guy? Well four out of five non aspiring dentist females say:

1. Confidence
2. Motivation
3. Independence
4. Concious Style - Not necessarilly a particular style, just the fact that you take pride in yours.
5. Love skills - that is as polite as I can put that.
   

Fair enough, I fit into many a category, gotta love progressive discussion with a point of reference sitting at the table.

What does it take for a guy to like a girl? Well two very under manned men at the table state:

1. Like Interests
2. Aesthetic Conciousness - You gotta take pride in your look and what makes you look good.
3. Social Independence - I have my friends you have yours, and we each need some time apart.
4. Trust - I keep girlfriends, no Im not cheating on you, yes they are hot and flirt me, but that means nothing.
5. Sexual Confidence - Theres nothing finer then a girl taking control of what she wants. Also guys are wimpy little chickens

So whats missing, are these lists shallow, or is it that in the most basic and traditional form of romance girls simply want a provider and guys want arm candy to show off? I think its the latter, and that this is completely ok. Gender barrier breaking aside, modern approaches to romance and a politically correct stance on norms of love, I think its compeletely acceptable for me to want an attractive and fun girl running along my side dipping into my wallet, and staying at my place for the week.

Its always more fun to play games in the shallow end than to tread water.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Monday, April 10, 2006 |

Gizoogle the Shit, and Im going into business with Santino Rice

Im sorry but gizoogle is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen productively created on the internet to date. Some of you must know what this is because I found it through my site references. It's so stupid but I just can't get enough, I havn't stopped reading is gizzy wizzy for my rizzy for the past twenty mizzy.

Just go to gizoogle.com and type in the url of any site you want to read like a Snoop song post 2003. Honestly my brain is dizzy from all this shizzy and somehow I now think its ok to answer a phone call from my mother, whats up mizzle nizzle, whats for dizzle?

and then....

In other news, mondays have officially become my weekly suffication of television. I found myself in front of the opiate of the masses, for over 4 hours last night, watching premieres of Huff, a new episode of 24, and the finale of Project Runway; yeah I said it, but I like designing so kiss my straight ass, bitches! Did I sound flamboyant enough with that comment.

sidenote: Clhoe winning, puke, talk about a show designed for woman when the number 1 can only make a backless dress. I want a complete line of different styled yet similarly inspired shit. Not a rainbow of incredibly uncomfortable high fashion ripoff nonsenses. The first outfit looked like the stage curtain from a high school production of Les Mis.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Tuesday, April 04, 2006 |

But I thought you were talking about....

When the sun is shining, my work face shagrins. What does shagrin mean anyways? Am I even spelling it right? Regardless, its sunny, and working is bombastically boring when its so nice out. There should be electricity outside. I mean it is a natural bi-product, doesn't it make sense to have lawn plugs?

Toronto is going wireless within the year, then I can sit outside and work for a good three hours before my laptop battery dies. But I will have to find a way to increase the dim factor on this stupid 17 inch flatscreen. The novelty of this beast wears off when you constantly have to worry if you forgot your cord somewhere.

Speaking of cords, I've never worn any. I really can't stand the feeling. Homonyms are fun arnt they, they can completely evolve the storytelling procedure.

If I collected cans I would start with soda pops. And my pops keeps many cans of soda, so my collection is off to a good start.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Monday, April 03, 2006 |

If I had a sports card, the picture would have me pointing to the sky: Yeah that'd be nice!

Its fun when you can go out in a night and use random business cards and names of friends to get into places that otherwise have a cover or a list. Especially when Steve Nash is waiting in the bar with his huge ass head and awkwardly small body which, produces the best basketball player in the world.

You know what; after idolizing the NBA and its band of giants for the past 8 months, thanks to fantasy basketball, I really would of expected the Phoenix Suns basketball players to be taller. I could of dunked on them, thats not true, but I did run through the scenario of a spontaneous 1 on 1 game breaking out in the middle of the bar had I played my cards right and called on the right super ogre. A jump shot can get you a Swiss Bank account, a supermodel, and expensive car; but non of these things can get you a jump shot. Word Reebok, word!

I also would of expected them to pick a different bar than Lobby on Bloor to party at after winning a big game over the Raptors. Then again, French guys like Boris Diaw probably had no idea what was up, and Kid Canada, Steve, probably just really liked hot young jewish girls; of which there were plenty at Lobby on Friday.

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Saturday, April 01, 2006 |