*cough*lovin'it*cough*

For too long has the common cold gone down as a menace to the everyday activities of common man. The consistent whinning and crying, because of congestion, irritating cough, indegestion, sore throat, and evironmentally damaging kleenex consumption has become tired and outdatted. Damnit, I am sick, and I am proud, and I want to tell all of you why having the cold is the freshest newest fad to hit the block and why next time you get blessed with someone's nasty germs, you hug those germs and say welcome, welcome to the temple of me.

The common cold has a lot of positive's to give to the everyday human being. The following are the bright spots to my recent sickness and I truly believe that if adopted by all, the common cold just might make it into the "what's hot" of next months Cosmo! me think alright!

1) The increased cost-effectiveness of food consumption.
Right now in my mouth everything tastes the exact same: which could be defined as textured spit (mmm, i know)! But here's the pro; Thanks to this cold, you could wrap baby puree in rice and surround it with a green twist tie with the medal string removed and Id believe its sushi. Frankly, what kind of maki can you find for the price of squished peas and a garbage bag accessory. I dont know about you, but california rolls in my neighbourhood are going for six bucks, and my wallet can't take it anymore.

2) New and Improved Quadgod!
See quadgodding is the self damaging art of taking at least four substances in the "gets me fucked" classification in one single night. Sure most enthusiasts might take on liquor, weed, coke, and shrooms, but let me assure you, that there is no high with more clarity and smashery then the mixture of benadryl cold and flu, advil (Yey Oh!), herb, and a few beers. Its all the fuck you up fun with way more pharmeceutical approval. Sure the doctors may say that I'm destroying my liver in the years to come, but in my eyes Carpe Diem, my educated little friend, Car pe Di em!

3) Get rid of small talk while also receiving pitty.
Whats worse than awkward small talk in the middle of strolls between points of purpose during the day. Answer = Nothing!!! I hate it, no offense to you "hey buddies" out there, but thanks to the common cold I have recently replaced my "hey buddy" and reach for the cellphone approach to mid walk nods, with sneeze and cough into the kleenex while nodding and continuing the walk by. Not only do you not have to talk to those people who you wish to avoid, but you've also left them with a "oh i hope he's feeling ok" mentality, which means next time its on them to break the awkward tension just to make sure you made it out of your cold alive. The common cold not only makes current problems better, it prepares for problems down the road.

4) Complete smell deterioration.
Apparently at the bar last night, I was standing beside a guy who smelt like pungent fish. Thanks to my new nasal super power I couldnt smell shit. Despite my friends urge to move bar locals, I turned the negative into a positive and won five bucks when the person suffering most from the humocean creature's smell offered me five bucks if I could withstand a conversation with the stinky fish guy for five minutes without having to step away. ChaChing.

So there you have the many benefits to human's newest fashion trend. From now on, dont steer away from red nosed, messy haired, droopy eyed, coughing, sneezing, sniffling, raspy, GORGEOUS cold sufferers of the world, rather walk right up to them, get in their breathing path, and damnit get on the cool train. Ah ChooChoo!!
(see, when suffering from a cold lame jokes are received as funny out of pitty for the sick guy).

post.script. if anyone will kiss me and take this cold off my hands I will give them the five bucks that I won from the fish guy conversation, I feel like absolute shit!

posted by mr. tomas ubik @ Tuesday, March 22, 2005